Loving and Letting Go

Yes, I will always remember standing on line at the IGA -ready to deliver- baby literally on board- a foot or two reach to the register-when a well-meaning mom from school reminded me, that I was about to embark on a journey – ‘the toughest job you’ll ever love’ she said as her four-year-old stood restlessly nearby. I honestly didn’t know what I was in for-though as an elementary school teacher- being around kids was what I knew best. It seemed that every moment was leading up to this arrival – a day that our world shifted from dinners out and ‘what would you like to do today?’ To diapers, sleepless nights and an all-encompassing love bordering on madness.

I think perhaps for me one of the most important parts of parenting has been coming in with no preconceived notions about what it will or should be like, or at least trying to. Having been blessed with a daughter, I thought I would be the teacher. Strumming our guitars, writing poetry together, feeling a deep connection to the earth and to each other. But over time, I began to understand - I was not meant to be her teacher. She was meant to be mine.

She taught me patience and humility. She taught me how to listen more carefully and love more honestly. And perhaps most of all, she taught me that love is not about shaping someone into who we think they should be - but about discovering who they already are.

Watching her move through the world - trying to guard her against any pain or hardship - became my life’s mission, and I would do anything I could to prevent a trip, a fall, a tear, or a broken heart. And as she has grown fiercely and completely into her own person- that desire to protect her remains the greatest force within me -leaving me, and perhaps all parents, in the challenging juxtaposition of loving and letting go at the same time. There comes a time when too much love seems like a hovering helicopter and well-meaning questions feel like unnecessary interrogation – and letting go becomes the greatest challenge of all.

She keeps me honest. She reminds me to stay true to myself and my convictions. There is often no cushioning- just a straight shot from the hip no matter where it lands. And though she may sometimes prefer the company of the family dog over her mother (who could blame her), I know her love and care for me run as deep as the Mariana Trench. I know she wants the very best for me.

I have watched her take life to the next level-not stepping into the ordinary, the expected - but rather envisioning life as all it can be – a once in a lifetime adventure- a holy roller coaster ride. She has developed a greater taste for food and wine and life itself and has no desire to fall into mundane existence. And though those dreams are large and challenging-I don’t see her ever giving up but rather always keeping her heart directed toward all of life’s possibilities.

As we age together-I hold onto and let go of what love should look like- and am grateful for this opportunity to love and learn and share. Each one of us - who in some way has parented-children, nieces, nephews, friends, neighbors- most likely have come to a time when we realize all that we have gained through the giving. How our inner fiber has been transformed by sharing the gift of our hearts, our souls and ourselves- and somewhere within all of that giving we indeed have found the true meaning of life.

Happy Mother’s Day and Mothering Day to all! ❤️